As the first month of 2010 comes to a close, I find myself getting closer and closer to turning 26 with each passing day. No that old, but far from young. I find myself increasingly frustrated by the situation I'm in. So much to do, so much to tell. So precious little time.
I have half a year left before I embark on another new phase in life, another fork in the road is waiting for me. There could not have been any more at stake than this: my youth and energy.
I know I've been convinced that I'll go on to my phd after my masters, but now it seems that the choice is not so simple after all.
It has come to my attention that I know very precious little of the world I find myself working so hard to justify. Yes, going into the working world will grant me that experience from the ground, give me that bit of grit to my academic and intellectual growth. Not to mention financial stability. Importantly, it may just save my sanity.
There is a hole in me. I've always thought doing my phd would give me time to think and figure out what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I find myself becoming incessantly aggressive and debative, fighting in the name of dead men. Dead men who haunt me because of the questions they've forced me to ask of myself.
So much time was spent on existantialist philosophy and post-modern writing, trying to decipher the codes these prophets (or heretics?) spoke in, hoping to find an answer to the intellectual chasm I feel in me. Worse yet, I feel a hunger to fill that hole. There is something I need to say and I don't know how to. The hunger aches most when things stagnate, running is no real cure for it anymore. There never was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
The way is no longer clear and the person who understood all this betrayed me. Its going to be a long february ahead.
Ang Heng
2 comments:
U can never imagine the wonders a change of environment can do to u.
I reckon go for it while we still have the youth and energy. Once you start work, u may face an uphill task of finding the passion to go for it anymore. Not to mention having to retrace the knowledge that you may have lost along the way.
U face a race against time to claim the title of a Doc before u hit the big '3' in age. That is a rare accomplishment that many of us know that you are well capable of.
And that pot of gold may be just a plane ticket away.
mai sian.
The point of the pot of gold is so you keep chasing whatever it is you're chasing. Nobody said it actually existed.
Your youth and energy are not at stake, your attitude towards them is.
And this chasm you feel isn't purely the intellectual kind, no?
Have patience and keep walking, you'll know which choice to make.
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