Silver Bells...

The holiday seasons are turning out to be a period of intense introspection for me. So much change is going on within me, I can sense and I know I can (will) not stop it. Maybe its the Christmas lights, or the December cold. It always brings out the most human aspects of me. This post will be deliberately vague. For those who understand what I'm talking about, then its probably meant for you. For those who don't understand some bits here and there, serves you right for not coming out last night for Tron and supper! ;)

In a couple of months' time, I turn 27. While I've always believed I wanted to be the best I can be, in every aspect of my professional life, a new possibility has opened to me. I have become tired of chasing material rewards, becoming a bratty ingrate.

I know, I was born in a harsh system of intense competition, meant to bring out the best in the 3 odd million souls in existence. I screwed up before, and I know what it feels like to have doors slammed shut in my face. But fortune always favors the brave. You know, I cannot begin to tell you how many doors I've had to knock on, how many pleas I had to make, how many favors I had to use up, how many humiliating moments I had to endure. All to no avail.

But eventually, the system took me back in, gave me a shot at something far greater than what I could have been on my own. This was my decision last week: I want to make sure this system survives. I want to be there if this system needs my expertise. I want this to be a pledge I can honor.

The past 2 years have also seen me recover completely from an emotional trauma, and allowed a great intellectual transformation to take place within me. However, the pursuit of intellectual enlightenment is an isolating, lonely process. To look greatness in the eye and profess to want it more than anything else in the world, is as good as selling your soul and jeopardizing your emotional well-being.

But this week, by sheer chance, I've been receiving some measure of warmth, affection and constant companionship (albeit from a distance) in my usually cold existence. (doesn't mean I haven't been happy with my cold existence btw. I've always been a solitary person) From an intellectual equal, no less. Alas, I myself am a work in progress. A wannabe until I prove my achievements. How can I possibly share the parts of my life that are in a constant mess, and rife with conflict? How can I possibly hide that either?

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

The again, can a man of science, knowledge and philosophy possibly be any more damned than he already is?

AH