Hi Guys,
It's been a long time since I've written here. I've watched the revival of this place with some interest, and of course it is not lost on me that I am one of the 'missing ones' when it comes to non-attendance at meet-up's. Of course, I still meet up with some of you, like OL and Lulu. Why are things this way? I have my reasons, and in fact, being busy is my least important reason.
I'll like to start off by saying that you guys are the oldest friends I have. I don't keep in contact with too many people in my life, and it's a miracle that we are still in contact (however infrequent our meet-up's). And as for my more regular meet-ups with OL and Lulu, these are not intended as slights to the rest of you. It just very simply boils down to two factors: (1) OL is basically the best friend I have, and he understands me a lot better than anyone else I know. (2) Lulu is also a very old friend, someone who's company I have enjoyed since I met him in 1997. I'm sorry to say that I have not had the opportunity to know the rest of you as well as these two 'old guards', since I joined the group much later.
I guess I am not going to sugarcoat things too. Of late (and this is something I've discussed at length with OL, because he knows you guys closer than I do), I have found myself growing apart from everybody else. Our interests, activities, conversation topics have grown different over the years. And I must admit, there have been times when I have found comments from some of you rather chafing and sometimes, offensive. I don't think it is in anyone's intention at all.
At the heart of it, I feel that many of us have grown fixated with the materialistic aspects of life. Money, job prospects, benefits, etc. There is nothing wrong with trying to improve your lot in life, but it becomes grating when everything becomes a question of money or prospects. It leaves me a bit cold when discussions inevitably turn this way. And its even worse when discussions are basically all centered on these issues.
Then there are the comments related my career choice as well, having chosen the route of the academic. To be very blunt, I have gotten annoyed over the years with all the jokes about me pursuing a PhD. Whenever I mention any work stress I'm facing, the response I get varies from "quit loh" or "tell your Prof to do it himself loh". This is not very empathetic. Perhaps more importantly, I chose this career path not for the money, but because I saw it to be a calling, to teach future generations and also to contribute to our country's policy directions. If you have read all the articles I have published in newspapers and journals over the years, you will find that all I care about is for Singapore to survive amidst some very precarious regional politics. In short, I have found all the teasing and jokes to be rather insensitive, and it devalues the passion and reasons behind my choice of career. It could just be me, but there is the sense that sometimes the jokes and di-siaoing take on the persona of a thinly-veiled personal attack.
And of course, I do sometimes find the whole lap-sap discourse very offensive. Many instances of this. For example, when I mention going to HK with my dad, there're the jokes about going to lapsap bars and such. My dad is a strict Confucianist, and I am a Liberal of the old school (JS Mill anyone?) I find it offensive because it goes against my Confucian upbringing, and my personal beliefs on the subjection of women. Also, I remember being at Awfully Chocolate, and some of us causing a bit of a ruckus and embarrassment with the waitress, bringing up a lot of lapsap terms. This leaves me cold again, because I feel that this is not who I am. When I interact with my colleages and friends, whether from grad school or the research centres where I am attached to, I become a different person. And this different person feels more comfortable to me. It brings on so much internal confusion, which I don't want to deal with. Because I am afraid that when push comes to shove, I will decide who I want to be and then there will be difficult choices to make.
Of course, not all is bad. There have been good moments. OL has given me a lot of support and he has always been a good sounding board for me to bounce my publication ideas off. Ah Du has also given me support and motivation in his own way, having himself understood the value of hard work. And of course, there have been good times of di-siaoing. There have been many happy moments I've shared with you guys. Which is why I'm here, writing this. Because I don't want us to give all this up, but I don't want to compromise on my personal beliefs too. These are things I've acquired through sweat and tears over the years. OL understands this perhaps, but I have changed a lot over the years, and I have slogged my ass off for these changes, whether in terms of intellectual development, confidence in myself, physical achievements, etc. And I believe this growing up, as it is, is a process all of us has to go through. Also, there has to be more engagement and empathy with each other.
Lastly of course, I have been extremely busy, with work and with publications. Most of the things I do require intensive field research followed by solitary writing. This life I've chosen has not been easy at all, but it has been rewarding. There may be one thing I have never told you guys. I grew up wanting to be a writer. I told this to Miss Thoo during Oral exam in Sec 1, to my Primary 6 teacher who taught me my basic writing skills (I still contact her), and I told this to myself everyday. And hence the reason for my distance and disappearance. I have found a publisher, and I am writing my first book. This may take a year, 2 years, or 5 years. Who knows? And this is on top of my regular writings for newspapers and my doctoral thesis (which thankfully, should be done by this year's end).
So please accept my apologies for going off the radar, because it is so important that I get this done. And please also accept my apologies for all the harsh words I have said here. There are issues that have made me deeply unhappy over the years, and I guess it's probably much better that I let it out, rather than just disappearing for good, as I have done with other friends whom I no longer get along with. And of course, perhaps I have changed a lot over the past few years. I hope that you all will still be interested in knowing this changed version of me.
Your friend,
AH
7 comments:
Dear AH,
Firstly, this is exactly wat this blog is for, to share everything including grievances. Thank you for posting.
I vaguely remember awfully chocolate. but my account is not quite near wat u described. Im the first to admit my incessant 'kip' calling was quite frequent. But i do not remember any degrading of women comments at all. The place was so noisy, I certainly do not remember us making a 'ruckus'. Are we talking about the same sitting?
With regards to comments about your PHD, I'm quite sure I did not make comments about askin you to quit, nor asking your Prof to do your work or wat not. And I did not even know you were going HK with your Dad.
However, I do remember a supper session at Changi Village which I can relate to more on what you are trying saying. I share spare the details, but can I state that you were one of the main protagonist who was driving the very topic of 'subjection of women'.
If you know me well, the topics of stocks, promotion, salary, career, investments, BTO do not interest me at all. In fact, they turn me off, but that is a topic for another day. If you want to talk to me about God, I can sit with you the whole day and give you a testimony on how God has transformed my life, and the abundance of grace he has showered me every single day. You have my number, like everyone of GMH, you are all invited to my church anytime, it is just a msg away.
In fact, I still remember feeling so appreciative and touched when you guys came to my baptism ceremony many years back!
So yup, anytime you wanna talk about God, I'm just a msg away.
Back to the topic of meetup session topics. Can I boldly propose a very simple solution? I'm quite sure comments made by some is not fully reflective of the entire group. Hence, a simple personal SMS to whoever you feel crossed the line is fully sufficient to stop it from happening again. And if it is me, I will be full appreciative of it as well, so that I can be conscious of what I say may be unintentionally hurting.
Hence, instead of not meeting up to avoid such topics, why not just let the ppl whom made those comments know about it, instead of making the whole group feel wronged? It may or may not work, but I feel this is the best solution.
I personally do not see a reason to 'attack' you, hence you might wanna elaborate more on why you feel this way and who are the ones that are making you feel this way.
At the end of the day, we are all taking different paths in life and yes I agree differences will arise. That is why I pray to God for wisdom to understand people and for people to understand me. Simple prayer, but bloody difficult to materialise. I'm still struggling to be honest.
In conclusion, thanks again for the heartfelt post. Please keep them coming. This is exactly why I started this. Till we meet next time AH. GOD BLESS!
Hi Alvin,
No worries. I must add that not all the comments were about you. I just didn't want to include names with incidents.
The Changi Village incident is exactly what started driving me away. It made me realise how hard I had to try to become someone I'm not, in order to maintain these old friendships. And it made me quite tired after a while. You know JFK and the Cuban missile crisis? That's what happened with all the talking big and exaggerations. And I'm no JFK.
Sure, grad school changed me immensely. And I'm not at all sure how much of that old me is left now, after all the things I've gone through these past few years. Somehow It's made me highly critical and introspective. Plus when you spend your days with other PhD's and Prof's, people who are equally critical and introspective, it permeates your personal life. And suddenly, the world looks different to you, and that's when you know it was you who changed. Also, conversation topics become very different and I've lost interest in a lot of the things I thought used to interest me. I guess my worldview got blasted wide apart from the experience, and I can never be the same again.
Well, one thing I can say is that it does make me a little uncomfortable that you bring up religion so frequently. Don't get me wrong, I understand the evangelical aspects of Christianity and the nature of salvation. I did spend a year of catechism and theology classes with a roman catholic priest. But it also distracts from the issue at hand.
Well, for the awfully chocolate, we were rather boisterous, you know how it's like when psycho comes out. Perhaps it's because I was away from everybody for so long, so it felt jarring all of a sudden.
AH
I don't think I've devalued anyone's pursuits in any way, respecting that everyone has their own priorities and preference on how their life should be led.
I'm an introvert who values time with myself more than anything else and thus I don't keep many friends and admittedly lacks the crucial social skills that are important in maintaining long lasting friendships. Which is why the clique is important to me as I don't think I have, nor will have, other friends whom I share as much experiences with. The initial draw of the clique for me was that it was like a melting pot where people of different personalities and quirks could blend, feel accepted and somehow miraculously enjoy one another's company. I have no idea what or who worked the magic but I think a concious and collective human effort was part of the ingredients.
Has the fairy tale ended? The last whiff of magic dissipating into thin air? Not completely, it's just that now there are groups within that are getting more and more clearly defined which is understandable as we all have our preferred company. I was thinking however, that there could be a few occasions where we reserve our judgements and come together just like we used to.
Ah Teh
Psycho is a nickname that I have had since primary school I suppose, if I'm not I mistaken. One way or another, the nickname has really sticked. Frankly speaking, I dun feel offended when pple address me by that moniker. To me, it's an identity of sorts.
I reckon the nickname sticks coz of how I like to tok about sex n all, at least I believe that's how most of you see me. Everyone has the right to his/her opinions and Idun blame any of you for seeing me in that light. I know well enough i haven't done myself any favours in this aspect. Having said so, Psycho isn't all about sex. I fear the supernatural; I m afraid of heights; I have my reservations when it comes to falling in love again; but more often than not, I have no qualms in speaking my mind. On top of that, i see you peeps as my closest frens. If I couldn't be myself with you guys, whose company would I be in that allows me to be straight and not having to put on a facade.
Sorry Ang Heng, for I was the main culprit at Awfully Chocolate. I did pass some lewd jokes but I can say with certainty that I meant no malice and wasn't trying to degrade anyone.
And Ang Heng, I am also darn sure that not once have I made any disparaging remarks about your choice of profession. On the contrary, i have always held you in high regards. Being able to not conform to societal norms by following one's passion is an attribute I admire very very much. Just for your info, when I was still studying in SIM, I always spoke highly of you to Jolene and Audrey. You were my inspiration.
Well... Like how both teh and you had mentioned, many of us have indeed changed a lot over the yrs. So much so that what used to be our usual banter has become adulterating to some. In truth, this is kinda saddening coz I am of the opinion that disiao is what keeps the clique going. Having said so, this clique is not just bout fun and laughter. When my dad passed, most of you were there for me and i really appreciated the support. What I m trying to say is the clique is like a pillar for each and any one of us to lean on when the chips r down. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it as i do. I can only hope that more of us could see the clique in my light, an asylum...
No worries, you are definitely not the one who talked about my profession. In fact, none of those who responded did that. I really didn't want to pinpoint anyone specifically. I guess I needed to vent too, because there are issues which have been there for a while. I'm sure each of us have our issues, probably a good idea that we're talking about these, like Alvin has said.
Psycho, I know that there is more to you than the disiao. I always did. I often ask OL about how you are doing. Especially during your time at SIM. I know very well how much hard work is involved, and I'm glad you got through it. I hope we will both dispel all the misperceptions about SIM graduates. I often overwork myself trying to do just that. Keep the dream alive, I know you have the potential to do very well. It's just a matter of keeping at it.
You are right. The clique needs to be a pillar of support. I've been away for so long, but yet I remain connected to the group simply because I always ask OL about you guys. I may be off the mark, but my sense is that the group needs to be even more of a pillar of support. Now more than ever. Many of us are preoccupied with new and exciting aspects of our lives, but there are those among us who may have personal troubles but who don't express it for some reason or other. Sometimes I'm guilty of that too. But we all know what its like to be down in the dumps, not expressing it doesn't mean we won't appreciate any form of concern :)
AH
Sadly enough, this is e first reply i had in this blog n under this circumstances. As you guys knew that my english level is very 'cui' among our clique, i know that and i admit it. Due to my poor english level that's why i never write anything on this blog n also i'm just simply lazy to do it. You guys will wonder why out of e blue i would get myself to read this post that AH wrote. That is because pyscho and lulu came all e way to meet me under my block to have some chat and they told me that " are you e one who said AH this n that". Anyway, I appreciate their effort to come all e way down to meet me even though i said i was tired and reluctant to meet them initially
After psycho told me regarding what AH had wrote on e blog, i pause a while n tried to think back, am i the one who commented all those stuff? Initially, i said to psycho that i never say that before but after a while i realized that i might be e culprit. There is a reason behind it n it is something between kz n i. everyone should know that there is a period of time that i always 'suan' kz in our whatsapp chat that kz not kip n ask her to go away all these n that. Actually, my mindset is just to 'disiao' with her until e day we happened to take e same bus home together from hougang interchange after meeting dinner with alvin at e 'ah beng' western food. We were chit chatting on e bus n out of e sudden kz told me "you know you everytime suan me, it hurts me?" I reply "i just disiao with you nia la why take it so seriously" She reply " even though it is disiaoing but you know i'm a girl n it really hurts me upon hearing it?" Then from there i realize that i already go overboard n i didn't know it at all in e first place n i always emphasize that it's nothing wrong as long as i'm just 'disiaoing' n our clique just like to 'disiao' around a lot so i just follow our clique style. From this incident, i'm glad that kz pinpoint on me n i sincerely apologize to her n from there on i don't dare to say this joke on her ever again.
As you guys know, there was a period where kumar was jobless n he decided to accompany me to go to work. We were gossiping n complaining about each n everyone in our clique inside e van. i believe it's normal that people will gossip n complaint about one another because that is human nature. Correct me if i had said it wrongly. Honestly, i did complaint about AH 'MIA' for so long n i know that you are busy with your PHD with little time to spare. Let's be frank, you think i don't know how hard it is to study for PHD, e time n efforts that you had put in? come on, i'm not really that dumb. To be honest, i'm proud of you why because it is something i can't achieve in my life n not only that i also proud to have friends that have a degree which i can't achieve it as well.
Frankly speaking, I really can't remembered what i had said it in e past which is way too long for me to recall or i might have said it but seriously i'm just 'disiaoing' around n never mend to hurt anyone n i believe there is some misunderstanding in between. To be frank, if i have really said that n hurt your feelings AH, i sincerely apologize to you now that i'm really sorry. anyway, you guys know that i like to joke n 'disiao' around n may go overboard without any awareness so please don't take it too seriously. If i ever happen to cross e line, please just tell me straight to e face like what kz did.
anyway, i will end it here n it's already 0600am in e morning n i got to go for work shortly. goodnight everyone :)
Mendi
Dear Mendi, I also don't remember you saying anything particularly offensive, so please don't be too worried :)
In fact, sometimes I'm more worried if the rest of us may say things that are hurtful to you, especially when people disiao and tease.
But what you said is very true. Sometimes disiaoing can also result in people's feelings getting hurt. I know exactly how it feels, but I can't exactly blame anyone because I know its unintentional.
So the only thing we can do going forward, is to care more about each others' feelings and refrain from accidentally saying things that may be hurtful. We can't change what has happened in the past, but hopefully we can prevent it from happening again.
AH
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