A Tug at the Heart-Strings...

Disclaimer: this is gonna be a lengthy post filled with grammatical and spelling errors to get my thoughts out as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Two and a half decades is too long for anyone to be stuck at a certain red dot. It’s stifling and suffocating to say the least. How many more two and a half decades does a person have? In MJ’s case, just 2. And I’m already halfway there.

I really really really wish to be like the majority, be safe and secure for the rest of my life, leading a monotonous life being fully contented knowing what tomorrow will bring. Most people hate changes, they fear stepping out of their comfort zones. Thus they force themselves to be contented and happy, to the point of not knowing what happiness is about any more.

That really scares me. A lot.

I’m extremely tired and weary about waking up to the same surroundings, eating the same food, seeing the same ppl over and over and over again. When I was in NS, I promised myself never to find myself in the same situation where I simply go through the motions day after day, night after night, to the point of losing track of time. When I wake up, I hear the same birds chirping and crows crowing amid the backdrop of crowd chatter and constant drilling and cars driving past. Its like time has stood still and I’m trying to break free. As much as we detest change, we need it to keep things fresh and survive. If not, we are as good as brain dead.

The decision to leave was, at the beginning, very difficult as my ‘Typical Singaporean Mindset’ kicked in. Will it be safe? Racism? Friends? What if this and wat if that? Immediately I thought of NS. We didn’t have a choice, yet we grit through it and tell me if there are people who didn’t learn a thing in NS.

It’s the sort of ‘boh pian’ that brings unexpected rewards that people who had a choice will never be able to receive. Looking back, I really thank the army for making the person I am today, and I am 100% certain all the guys will agree with me. Those who never pruned on cow dung in India’s wasteland at 3.12am in absolute darkness don’t complain.

Statistics and facts don’t lie. If cream of the crop choose to leave, there must be something out there worth exploring. Come to think of it, even the so called ‘average’ ppl are leaving not because they cannot make a living here, but because they can make more than a living elsewhere. Those are the kind of opportunities that lay outside the well.

If I had chosen to stay, I can already picture myself the next 4 years. Study my ass off, try my utmost, and probably end up being average with FTs around. For the uninitiated, I have never slogged as hard for my A levels compared to the rest of my life. Needing 6 months to rebuild the foundation of a syllabus I last took 7 years ago was no mean feat. Although my grades were average and not good enough for most local unis, I can honestly say I have tried my best and have absolutely no regrets. That was the best I could offer. If it isn’t good enough, there is nothing else I could have done.

I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to each and everyone of you. And I really mean each and everyone of you who have played a role in my life in one way or another. You may or may not realize that you have made a significant difference in my life.

God has convicted me of the things I have done in the past to hurt others. There is nothing I can do to change the past, but I pray for the forgiveness of those I’ve hurt or am still hurting. Everyone is a sinner, me and you, but its up to you alone to decide to raise your hand up and admit your sins to God. It takes a lot of humility.

When I first became Christian, I always thought that its between me and God, whatever I do wrong he will convict me. But I was wrong. He wants to use me to reach out to others. But I think I’ve failed miserably. The fault is mine and mine alone. I will be the first to acknowledge that I’m not perfect. I have not done enough to reach out to you guys at all.

How I wish anyone of you guys would think ‘ hey look at how Alvin changed since he became Christian! God must be real! ‘ and approach me to ask about the bible or follow me to church. Unfortunately that has not happened in the last 4 years. I think I have not changed enough to reach that level. The failure is mine and mine alone, no ones else’s. And since I can’t even reach out to the people closest to me, I have no right to stay.

I don’t mean to offend anyone, but pls allow me to share a bit about god. As you all know I hit my lowest pt in the army. One day out of the blue when I was lying in the bunk staring into space, my bunkmate came over and talked to me about god. He challenged me to pray with an open heart and see the miracles he has planned for me. I was already at the bottom so I thought why not since I had nothing to lose?

So I prayed that night for the very first time. “God, if u are real, show me something supernatural as I am human and can only believe in things I can see. If you can do that, I will give my life to u.”

A few days later in the very same bunk, I met him.

There is emptiness in all of our hearts, its just how well people hide it or put on a front to suppress it. The so called proud will never show it out and very often the people who acknowledge that they do have that emptiness will turn to other ways to try and fill that hole.

I know because I was one of them. I smoked and gambled and did anything to fill that void. It worked, momentarily as we engage in that temporary reprieve. In that instant of partying or euphoria experienced, that emptiness is forgotten.

Problem is, when we all go home and lie in our beds at night, tossing and turning, trying to sleep, you realize that nothing has changed. The emptiness is still there, every damn night.

So people brush it off, trying to ignore it by doing more stuff to suppress it, pretend it isn’t there. The worst thing that can happen is that we start to accept that emptiness as part and parcel of life that can never be filled.

Day after day, night after night, emptiness overwhelms us. Everything evolves around looking for substitutes, be it smoking or simply hanging out with friends.

When I look at the people around me, I feel saddened not by those who know they have that void, but rather by those too proud to admit it. Always putting up a front as if in total control of everything when deep down, the hole is gaping.

Guys, there is nothing more I can do or say other than to challenge you to say the very same thing I said. ‘God if you are real, give me a sign’. I cannot force you to believe and honestly don’t expect you to simply by reading the words I type.

For those who watched the matrix, its something like that. No amount of persuasion or description can adequately portray god. You got to experience yourself and pray with a believing heart. Remember, you have absolutely nothing to lose. If you don’t feel the calling, by all means carry on your daily lives but pls remember jesus is always there 24/7. Just a prayer away.

I wish to emphasize that I’m not putting anyone’s religion down, just offering an alternative. If you have other gods and have been praying to them and feel that after 25 yrs of praying to them there is nothing lacking, I don’t blame you if choose not to believe. For myself it took me more than 20 years to realize I should not kid myself anymore and that it wasn’t working. Those who are really interested you know my Msn, or do wat I did last time, church hopping alone and find one that u think its suitable. From experience, as long as u sit in the corner, no one will come and disturb u.

Back to my decision to leave, the easy option was of course to stay. But I prayed about it and I feel he has been opening and closing doors for me and UQ was a door that offered me the best deal. Cheapest course fees comparable to local 4 year ones, 2 yr degree and a chance of a lifetime to step out of my comfort zone. Like I mentioned to some of you guys, I’m already 25, my parents are not getting younger. If I don’t leave now, when will I leave? When I’m 30 plus and lethargic with a heavy heart of leaving my aged parents? I believe this is the perfect time to go.

I honestly don’t know if or when I’ll be back. I may just come back after 2 yrs or simply stay there. Either way its up to him and u guys can come visit me anytime. By then u guys will have the financial muscles. Haha..

I really wish those who have contemplated leaving but have no courage to do so will take my departure as an encouragement. Of course the perfect excuse will be recession, everywhere the same, no money, lack of experience who would wanna employ etc. You and I both know that if we really put our heart and soul to it, that’s gibberish. People with less qualifications have been working overseas and some of them are people we all know!

Of course if you are totally contented to stay here, by all means. I’m not saying everyone should go. But for those who really want to go, work a few years overseas and if you don’t like it, come back! No one’s forcing you to migrate..haha..

Other than that, I really don’t see an issue with my departure. Soccer wise Jack will be my replacement along with matt tim and des. Supper wise my car will be replaced by ang heng’s Honda with Honda. By then talen will love to drive and those without cars will have enough to buy one ..haha..Left 4 dead still can play online with me mah. I think u all will probably miss my organizing of buffets and perhaps Christmas gifts lor. Haha..easily replaceable la no worries. My tisiao lor..haha and my smelly shirt when I play soccer..lihai boh.. I will skin the Aussies with that when playing soccer there.

I dun foresee anyone getting married within a short span unless of course tiao kias. When IR opens pls bar the appropriate members from entering. I dun wan to receive a call in the middle of the night in Brisbane asking for telegraphic transfer to save someone’s butt halfway round the world.

That’s about it. Those starting work I pray that you’ll find one that you truly enjoy and not one that you toil for that attractive salary which you will spend eventually on healthcare 20 years down the road coz of the stress and unhappiness accumulated over the years.

For those studying to obviously try your best and not have any regrets! If all goes well come here lor.. yi qi liao lor!~~ for those emo, you and I both know there is no one who can help u, temporarily perhaps, but for a perm fix, refer to paragraphs 5 to 6.

So farewell ppl, as I begin my exciting new chapter of my life, I really wish u guys will have the courage to do the same or even join me. I leave with many fond memories of you guys. Come to think of it, its not such a big deal. We are so connected through the internet, u guys are just 7 hrs away from visiting me. Just treat it as I’m going into a 2 yr long hibernation period with an option to extend.

My wish before I leave is that you guys will constantly update this blog with pictures or anything! Just a simple one liner or something everyday will mean a lot to me so at least I feel connected to you guys. Just update me on ur lives or kips or anything at all! Best if u guys can upload the goal of the week like BPL during the weekly soccer sessions. Boh la kong qiu.

I feel truly blessed and grateful for the people in my life.

May God bless each and everyone of you.

I leave you with this phrase from the bible as I hope you guys will remember whenever you all meet up to encourage each other and not speak ill of others and put them down. It speaks of love generally but in this case brotherly and sisterly love between friends:

1 Corinthians 13:4

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

God bless,
alvin
13/07/2009