Reflections

I missed the recent postings till now and am really glad to see the issues being brought forth. I will first like to apologize to OL for not showing the empathy and support you had needed. Will apologize to you personally when we meet up k. Thank you Kunge for relaying the message. I am definitely guilty of not showing empathy, something to do with my personality and a major flaw that is really stopping me from doing my job well, but I think there are definitely some in our clique who are more sensitive to your problems and have shown you support and so I don't think GMH is entirely a lost cause.

I'm a very private person and I don't share my problems readily with others. I think most of you wouldn't have heard me share my problems much. Perhaps you would have heard complains but probably never would have heard me speak in depth about my problems. In fact, most of you wouldn't really know of my interests, hobbies etc or what is happening in my life other than the apparent major events. It's the way I am and like to be treated and that's why I sometimes treat others the same way too, which means I wouldn't take the initiative to approach any of you and ask about your problems though I am definitely willing to provide a listening ear. Yes, I am insensitive to a fault and so please let me know explicitly if any of you need any help. On my part, I will try my best to be more sensitive to the needs of others which is something that Kellin is trying to teach me as well.

I think there is some truth to some of us being more self-centred which I think is natural when we move from being individuals to becoming part of a family unit. Time to hangout and stuff will lessen once we have more personal commitments and duties but what matters most is that when someone needs support, we are there. Like for example, most of us would not think twice about making time to head down for the funeral of a friend's relative or for the celebration of the birth of a new life in our big family. I may not be there for the frequent outings but I definitely will make time for the core events.

To me, the amazing thing about friendship is that friends remain friends even without frequent meetups and are always there when there is a need. Which is why im sorry for not seeing OL's problem and showing the needed support. If I'm guilty of the same to any of the rest, let me apologize and do let me know that I have.

Ah Teh

16 Years of Friendship

Dearest Kunge,

Thanks a million for the heartfelt post. Again, this is what the blog is for, and im very glad that it is finally serving its purpose, relaying thoughts that sometimes face to face meetups wont be able to achieve.

What I am about to reply again is merely my personal thoughts, and it is not meant to hurt anyone. It is just my raw, honest thoughts and I apologize in advance if I am going to offend.

My main gripe, like I mentioned to you kunge, like I told the rest of the guys, is lumping everyone as a group. Granted, some have unique kts, some share similar kts, some have more than others. Again, with reference to my reply to AH in my previous post, a simple personal message via sms or watsapp to the INDIVIDUAL kt kia will do the job. Simple, fast and effective. EG. “Hey I think you crossed the line just now”. That will hit the individual hard enough to think about what he or she did.

First of all, have you guys ever tried this? And so, let me know if you have tried this in our group and that person totally ignored your message. I honestly do not think ANYONE in the group will totally ignore such a message. PLEASE let me know if I am wrong.

If you tell me that every single one of the group has the exact same kt, then yes, I whole-heartedly agree it calls for a ‘group ban’. It is only natural that you want to avoid a group that shares a same kt. NOT when 2 out of 6 has that kt, leaving the other 4 wondering what on earth he or she did to deserve such a ‘ban’.

I reiterate my stand on GMH dynamics. We stand unique as a tisiao clique. Regardless of age, this is a trait that will NEVER leave GMH. I bet my life on it. We will tisiao until the day we die. That, I’m bloody sure of. No one can ever take that away from GMH. Take that away, then we lose the soul of GMH. If you want to let your hair down after a screwed up week, not think about shit life throws at you, and laugh like we were still in sec school without a care, then GMH is a place I seek solace. Because I know everytime we get together, there is no other group who can make me feel so at ease. I am sure most will agree with me.

THERE ARE A MILLION CLIQUES OUT THERE WHO GET TOGETHER, BITCH BOUT LIFE, TALK ALL SERIOUS STUFF, BUT NONE LIKE GMH WHO CAN REACH THE LEVELS OF TISIAO-NESS.

Back to the topic of sweeping things under the carpet. I admit I am one of them who do not like to talk about issues in a large group. Let me set the record straight on this. Based on the past issues that was brought up based on my memory. 3 were brought up. Out of the 3, EVERY SINGLE one of the KT kias already KNEW BEFOREHAND that they had this kt. They chose not to either ignore it or chose not to change.

It is one thing to bring up an issue that a kt kia is totally unaware of, and it is a totally different issue to bring up an issue that a kt kis is ALREADY aware of, but choose not to do anything about it. Hence, by bringing up an issue which all parties are already aware of in a large group serves what purpose? 

Again, we are nearly 30. If it takes a showdown involving the whole world for a kt kia to realise his kt, then I’m truly sorry, you have major issues in your life you need to fix asap. No one can help you. (That is a topic for another day)

Granted, you may argue that it serves as a wakeup call to the kt kias, but let’s be honest, after the last showdown, what changed?

I am not saying to totally avoid the conflict. I am saying to tackle the problem on a personal basis and not in a large group. For eg. “ Alvin just now you made fun of my gf, she is hurt. Please don’t do it again’. Short, simple, straight to the point. I will be mindful of what I say and all parties benefit. Not convene the entire group and let someone sit through without knowing what was going on. And the other 6 looking at that person, making him feel victimised.

I totally appreciate OL’s initiative to improve the group by organising such meetups. In fact, many of us do. While I agree with the objective and purpose, I do no agree with the execution. IMO, large group showdowns are not effective. It makes ppl feel victimised. I always favour the small groups. Hence, I met up with Amendi and Ah du the last time. I am sure I got more out of that meeting than the large group showdown he had with you guys.

I do not turn up not because I don’t care. I do not turn up because I honestly think it does not serve the purpose of rectifying the issue. And to be honest, I feel sometimes it makes matters worse. Ask all involved and you will find out that I had a word with the respective kt kias on a personal level in a small group.

I firmly believe a kt kia will find out the consequences of ignoring his own actions the hard way. Life has a funny way of slapping you in the face when you least expect it. And you know what, I think that deep down, we all know kts will bring consequences. So if you choose to ignore it, then don’t cry when consequence hits. That is something all 29 years olds should know.  

I am also a kt kia myself. God reminds me on a daily basis that I have to fix my thoughts, actions and words. I constantly remind myself to not revert to the old kt days. That is my way of fixing my kt, I know that if I don’t, Life will smack me. Thank God, so far so good, even though sometimes it is a struggle, I gotta admit. I will appreciate reminders if I ever crossed the line.

Everyone knows OL’s intentions are good. No one has ever doubted that. And Kunge may I know where did u get info about this ‘bad guy reputation’? And who in the world shot the messenger? I really need clarification on this. I know of NO ONE who has attached blame or negative feelings towards OL by ‘being the bad guy’. (Kunge please reply on this point and give me specific names, not lame answers like ‘it does not matter who, etc’) I do not like phantom answers like ‘someone said it, but I can’t remember who. Or someone in the group said it a long time ago’. (By the way we are still looking for the Phantom kt kia who AH mentioned made jokes about his profession).

Again, send a personal message to the KT kia saying he has crossed the line. Simple. Short. Sweet. End of Story.

If he does it again, I am the first person who will support the banning of such an individual who despite being told he was out of line, still blatantly ignores it and continues.

OL speaks his mind, everyone knows that. Sometimes it is blunt, sometimes it offends, sometimes it does good. That is his character. No one has ever alienated him because of that. If not, we would not have had close to wat, 16 years of friendship? He is still very much part of GMH. Nothing will ever change that.

To summarize, go to GMH if you wanna tisiao. That is our main USP. If you want a serious H2H, we are more than open to it. I had multiple H2h with members when the situation calls for it, be it work, BGR, life etc. When you want emotional support, then I gotta admit GMH is not a place to look for. You might want to search elsewhere.

I have NEVER in my life rejected a heart to heart talk. I feel it is the primary basis of being a friend. Being there 24/7 on standby, being activated at anytime to lend a listening ear. Many years back, I know how it feels to have no one to turn to in the middle of the night when I was emo. I have learnt to accept that it is not possible to get anyone in GMH out after 12 on a wkday (maybe if I’m lucky Mandy or KZ). It sucks. But I have learnt to accept this and am blessed to have others who I can turn to should such a situation arise. It is a pity that I cant find it in GMH, but that is life.  

Some say I am too private and secretive. Let me also set the record straight. The fault lies entirely with me. There are probably 2 ppl in this world whom I know truly knows me. The reason why I do not share certain things is because you will not understand. I do not mean it in a demeaning way. Just like I will never understand certain things about your life. I used to feel angsty about it, until I realised we are all brought up differently and made differently. I will be brutally honest, should I truly communicate my innermost thoughts, I will probably lose some of you as friends. I would sincerely rather not risk that and prefer to keep my friends. Let me handle my own issues and don’t worry about not being about to ‘connect’ with me. I have navigated my way around life thus far, and I do have outlets whom I connect with on a deep level.

To conclude, I cherish every single one of you as a friend. It is indeed a blessing that fate has brought us together. To know that we are all entering a new chapter in our lives when we hit 30. It is exciting to note that some will get married, have children etc. Yet GMH still lives strong and will tisiao till the end of time. It is indeed heartening to look forward to what the future brings. And I can’t wait.

Best Regards,

Alonso

Friday with Amendi - Life of a new (working) mum

Gonna sneak in a post while BbQ is taking a nap.

It is not easy being a new mum. It's even harder adjusting to being a new working mum. Gone are the days where mothers were full time housewives who took care of home matters while fathers brought home the income. Roles were more clear-cut in that sense. Since returning to work, I often find myself in conflict. From a time perspective, I'm only half a mother and half a social worker - ie. during my wakeful hours I spent half the time caring for BbQ and half the time at work. But rightfully I should be 100% a mother right. It is quite sucky to even think of BbQ when I'm at work knowing that he is in the arms of someone else. And then the other roles I have to play - that of a daughter, wife, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, auntie etc. Of course, given the standard of living now, I can only dream about being a stay home mum, although timbre has kindly promised that I can stay home when our 2nd kid comes along. Hehe. But then again I wouldn't know how it'll turn out for me since I love social work so much. Oh well, grass is always greener on the other side ain't it?

And then there is the issue of breastfeeding. I'm thankful that my office is pretty pro-family and expressing milk at work is not much of an issue. Haha but it's funny the reaction of the youths when I emerge from the storeroom with 2 bottles of milk. As most of you know, in my line of work, I'm out of office pretty regularly for meetings, trainings and seminars. Along the way, I've learnt that Singapore's culture towards breastfeeding needs to be improved! I recently attended a seminar at Cantonment Police Complex and had to express milk before the seminar in a toilet! And it's not the first time I've done so! It generally takes me 20min to express milk but because the environment was not as conducive that day, it took me longer. Lo and behold! The cleaning lady knocked on the door and said something in Malay. I assumed it must have been along the lines of "what the€*^&$@%#+ are you doing inside!?!?!?" And guess what, I've expressed milk in hotel and shopping mall toilets before as well. Of course there are nursing rooms in some shopping malls but they are few and far between, which makes me think twice about choosing which shopping mall to go or courses to attend.

Not only are there physical constraints with regards to expressing milk, I've come across a few awkward situations. Like once, I went into a nursing room to want to express milk after a course.

Cleaning lady: 妳要什么? (What do you want?)
Me: 我要挤奶。(I want to squeeze milk)
Dots.

And this awkward situation when I was at the court entrance security screening. Of course I was stopped with a black coolent bag of breastmilk and a funny looking piece of machine otherwise known as the breast pump.

Security (who appeared to be a young man): Mdm, what is it in your bag?
Me: Breast pump.
Security: I will need to take a look.
Me: ok sure.
Security( examining my breast pump): This one heavy item, dangerous. We need to leave it at the counter. You can collect it when you leave.
Me (thinking to myself, siao bo, you think I Bo dai Bo Ji will throw my expensive breast pump at the Judge or what meh): err... But I need to express milk now.
Security (continued examining my bag if related items): what is in this black bag Mdm?
Me: errrr... My breastmilk?
Security: Can I take a look?
Me (awkwardly took it out of the bag for him to examine): I will need my breast pump because I need to express milk now.
Security's female superior: Sorry Mdm, he doesn't know ah.. It's okay you may enter.

A few hours later as I was leaving court, the young chap apologized to me and said he has never seen a breast pump before and that he doesn't know there is such a thing. Haha! So cute!

Things that Need to be Said

Dear all,

This is Kun Ge.  While I’m obviously not a member of your ‘group’, I have met some of you, and am good friends with OL, which is how I came to know you in the first place.  As such, I am posting here on behalf of OL, who has been sharing with me some of his thoughts and feelings about his deteriorated and distanced relationship with all of you, and why he feels he doesn’t ‘fit in’ well any more.  Despite the time and effort he previously put in to help address issues related to your common interests and concerns, he finds it difficult this time to speak about such things directly to you.  So I hope you can read the following in the right spirit and perhaps reflect on it in relation to yourselves, as it represents his thoughts and feelings (some of my own feelings, as a relative outsider, are also included).

Before I begin proper, it should be said that I find it rather sad that such things need to be ‘discussed’ over a blog of all places, and not for the first time.  For all the talk about friendship, is this really a good reflection of how honest, willing and confident you are in communicating with each other (most of you are or have been in relationships, so I’m sure you can relate)?  For all the benefits of social media, more ‘serious’ and profound issues are surely still best discussed in other ways, especially where old friends are concerned.

I feel really strange saying all this, given my own difficulties with direct social interaction (more on that later).  And the fact that even someone like me feels this way is surely a poor reflection of the current situation, as is the very existence of this post and Ang Heng’s.  But given the state of affairs from OL’s (and Ang Heng’s) perspective, I guess a blog does become a suitable platform for sharing.  Note, however, that there are limits to what can or should be said in cyberspace, so do bear in mind that what is said here cannot be the ‘full version’.

Essentially, OL feels he has ‘grown apart’ from many of you and thus lost his sense of belonging.  Of course, most people change over time, but friends often ‘grow together’.  OL, however, feels that there are now fundamental differences between his worldview and many of yours, which have often been to his own detriment.  For instance, as Ang Heng previously mentioned, some of you seem to focus too much on money and material gain, and have become self-centred and self-absorbed.  As a result, almost everything you do or talk about inevitably leads back to money/materialism/career/5Cs etc., often at the expense of intangibles like ideals, values, principles, and the things in life you cannot put a price on.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting a good job, nice home, memorable wedding, beautiful family etc.  However, there should be some balance between these things and your friends – your friends should not simply be a ‘fall back’ option for you when things are not going well, when you have nothing else to do, or when you need a resource to tap.  Friendships are long-term or even lifetime investments with intrinsic value you cannot get anywhere else, much like family.  Family and friends are precisely what give meaning to material pursuits in life.  Many of you may think this is obvious, but do your attitudes and behaviour really reflect this?  OL mentioned to me quite a few times that if everyone in this ‘group’ had acted/acts the way some of you did/do, there would be no ‘group’ to speak of.  Though I am not in a position to verify this, he feels he put in his fair share, and at times more than his fair share, of effort to ensure this collective investment grew.  Unfortunately, it came to a point where he derived no satisfaction or pleasure whatsoever from doing the things he used to find meaningful.  In fact, it sometimes became a burden having to do his part while at times struggling to manage challenges in his own life.

OL also feels that some of you are lacking in empathy and sensitivity, and so do not or prefer not to ‘pick up’ on certain things that you should know without having to be told directly.  For example, when he wasn’t working for over a year, trying to process the experience of his previous job and figure out what to do next, all he remembers from some of you are weekly routine questions of ‘Find job already or not?’, or ‘Got a lot of money no need to work so long oh’ (which harks back to the material fixations previously mentioned).

Therefore, although there were some cursory enquiries and practical assistance from a few of you when asked, OL did not feel like he was part of a good support system.  He only recalls Kaizhen being thoughtful enough to once look him in the eye and ask ‘How are you doing?’, which he was grateful for.  It seems like Kaizhen is one of the few willing to take the initiative (as also demonstrated by Mendi’s conversation with her during a bus ride), and more of the same from the rest of you would definitely have gone a long way psychologically and emotionally.  I thought it was basic human nature to show that you care by asking such questions (and meaning it, of course).  Or do you just assume that everything is alright, simply because that would be the easier scenario for you?

Incidentally, as someone with Asperger Syndrome (AS – look it up if you’re not aware, though in this day and age, you really should be), I find this quite ironic, as it is people like me who are supposed to lack empathy and awareness of others; ‘neurotypicals’ like yourselves, in general, should find it easier to empathize and ‘read’ the feelings and needs of others.  Yet, for some reason, some of you seem to have developed ‘selective AS’ – you can plan your futures and careers, manage finances, socialize, network, meet up for group activities, and engage in romantic relationships (all of which I’ve always had great difficulty doing) like regular people, but when it comes to understanding an old friend, you suddenly become socially impaired.  To his credit, Teh recognizes that he ‘lacks the crucial social skills that are important in maintaining long lasting friendships’, but is he the only one lacking in that respect?  And even recognition is useless without corrective action.

On a personal level, I find such double standards particularly aggravating, since I have suffered no end under the ignorance, neglect and apathy of others in the ‘social realm’ (peers, classmates, teachers, relatives etc.) who could and should have known better and taken more initiative, instead of just expecting me to adapt to their social norms – people not too different from you, perhaps.  Far too many neurotypicals myopically, and arrogantly from my perspective, assume that others are all like them and will just fall in with their way of doing and seeing things, and ‘sink or swim’, when they of all people are the ones with the capacity to broaden their minds and challenge their own restrictive social conditioning.  Many of them seem to think they are so ‘mature’ because they can do stereotypical ‘grown-up stuff’ and have ‘come of age’ and ‘come so far’ (the Big 30 is coming up, guys!), when to me they are as narrow-minded and infantile as AS people may appear to them, and with far less justification.  Such overarching hypocrisy and/or myopia may be part of human nature in general, but that still does not make it right.

I should also mention that I am grateful for the effort some of you made to include me in your ‘group’ for some time, but even so, how much of it was, again, because of OL’s initiative?  Would you yourselves have taken the initiative to break out of your narrow comfort zone and get to know me better if, say, we were just regular classmates in school, or would you just have stuck with other ‘normal’ people like yourselves?  From my many painful, lonely and awkward years of being a ‘different’ person in a heavily neurotypical-biased system (in fairness, the so-called ‘grown-ups’, especially the teachers and ‘officials’, are more to blame than the students or children), I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that.

Because of this selective lack of empathy and awareness, OL ultimately felt that you were usually ‘around’ (i.e. physically present) but not ‘there’ (i.e. showing real understanding) enough.  Could this be because he was an ‘old friend’ whom you didn’t connect with so well anymore?  And if so, did you make any effort to remedy this, instead of just assuming that he would take the first step, or did you just accept things as they were and expect him to follow suit?

In fairness, one reason for the differences between you and him is that he is not blessed with as good health as many.  Having a condition with no cure, and having no sure idea of how it will affect his life, is a complicating factor, to put it mildly (incidentally, I have the same condition as he, and can relate to all this).  He puts in significant time and effort just to maintain his current quality of life.  It is also a psychological struggle, as he knows that he has to live with this for the rest of his life, and so inevitably suffers frustrating and demoralizing setbacks.  Being able to find a girlfriend, get married, build a life and start a family are luxuries he hesitates to dream about at times.

Having to deal with such a condition ultimately affects one’s priorities and perspectives of life, in both good and bad ways, it must be said.  While this obviously isn’t anyone’s fault, again, did anyone demonstrate any empathy for and sensitivity to his situation?  Did anyone simply ask, sincerely, how he was doing, and whether he needed any help, even if only a listening ear?  As adults in the real world, we have developed a practised apathy towards certain things in order to survive and excel.  But should that apathy apply to someone whom you meet or used to meet so regularly and for so long?

Related to this is the issue of football, which he has not played for some time.  This is partly because he has lost the motivation to do the physical conditioning he needs to do, just to play with a team he doesn’t feel he belongs in anymore.  Football is a team game and a social experience as much as an athletic pursuit, but he feels that the first two aspects were lacking.  Regarding his opting-out of the usual birthday gathering this year, he meant no disrespect, but felt that he simply could not in good conscience go through with it, as it had come to lack real meaning for him.  There is little point in indulging in a symbolically empty act just for the sake of ‘having a good time’, when people are simply going through the motions, and have no real emotional connection with the person they are supposed to be celebrating.

Ultimately, while I’m obviously not so familiar with your group dynamics, it seems to me that there is a bit too much hypocrisy and cowardice.  Some of you may object to such strong words, but if I didn’t use them I would be guilty of these exact things.  What I mean is that people are not willing to face up to more difficult or uncomfortable issues, preferring to hide their self-centredness and apathy behind false smiles, clichéd language, ‘ti-siao’ jokes etc.  They only want to ‘hear the good stuff’, and would rather go aimlessly with the flow, partaking in meaningless but ‘safe’ rituals, than work out these issues seriously and carefully.

Sure, there are benefits to being able to ‘ti-siao’ with your friends, but it should not come at the expense of sweeping things under the rug or taking things too far – for instance, whoever teased Ang Heng about his chosen profession probably meant no malice, but see what happened.  ‘Ti-siao’ is fine in itself, but it has to be balanced with awareness and emotional maturity (real awareness and maturity, not the superficial ‘neurotypical’ kind mentioned earlier).

OL has told me numerous times that he often did the unpopular things – the ‘dirty work’ of trying to address issues or interests that should not be swept under the rug – and because of this he feels he ended up getting a ‘reputation’ as ‘that guy’, when in fact he was only trying to make things better for everyone.  In fairness, OL does have a tendency to speak his mind too bluntly at times, and to get carried away with things he feels very strongly or passionately about.  He would probably be the first to admit that he is not whiter than white (no pun intended), and, from what I can tell, he relishes ‘ti-siaoing’ as much as anyone else, which may have given the false impression that he wasn’t affected by your behaviour and attitudes.  But even so, it seems to me that he was still the ‘conscience’ of the ‘group’, albeit an occasionally abrasive one.  You should not shoot the messenger, especially if the message he delivers, no matter how unpleasant, is fundamentally accurate.

In addition, such things might only have been deemed unpopular precisely because there was a tendency among many of you to stay clear of or ignore such matters.  For instance, OL recalls being quite upset a couple of times when he raised certain potentially uncomfortable issues, and the instinctive reaction was that the issue was only OL’s problem (sounds like a typically self-centred reply, if you ask me).  Only after explanation, however, was it eventually agreed that the issue was not only OL’s problem/fault.

This passive and conflict-avoiding approach many of you often choose to take often left him upset or conflicted, to the point where he would rather not have been around to witness such situations.  Perhaps having to endure your attitudes or behaviour towards what he did or said was the price he had to pay for trying to be true to his conscience, but should one really have to pay a price for doing the right thing, or trying to?  If you were one of those who did indeed think that OL was ‘that guy’, perhaps it would have been better to just let him know instead of ‘tolerating’ him, which did not do either yourself or OL any good.

A more recent case in point: after reading Ang Heng’s post, a few of you addressed his point about people mocking his profession by clarifying that you were not the ones responsible.  Fair enough.  Psycho was also brave and honest enough to apologize for the ‘la-sap’ discourse, which was definitely a step in the right direction.  But no one besides Alvin seemed to acknowledge Ang Heng’s main point, and the one he began with: ‘At the heart of it, I feel that many of us have grown fixated with the materialistic aspects of life’.  No one, unless I’ve missed something, has owned up to this so far.  It seems silence was your chosen response.  For OL, it was this kind of selective, conflict-averse mentality or ‘culture’ that contributed to his feeling out of place and being compelled to take a step back from things.

To be fair, much of society seems to be like that – people just want to stick with what is ‘safe’ and familiar, and if they are fortunate enough to be only part of a majority, chances are they will not face so much pressure to change their ways.  But everyone, majority or not, deserves equal consideration, and an equal say.  As someone with AS, and hence a minority (and one that many people don’t even know exists), I obviously feel more passionately about this than someone who has never known what it feels like to exist outside the ‘mainstream’.

True, any minority – and I’m obviously not just talking about an ethnic minority – does have to adapt to an extent, which is why, over the years, OL invested so much time and energy in his friendships with everyone, doing his best to learn the ‘lingo’ and be on the same ‘wavelength’, so he could be a worthy friend and everyone could have a good time.  Not to mention his organizing of gatherings and activities.  But there has to be some balance – it should never be only the job of the minority to adapt to the majority; some reciprocity is essential.  He was usually there for you – were you really there for him?

Psycho aptly used a pillar to describe friends offering support to each other.  In a similar vein, OL has told me that he sees friends as a safety net that is there to keep everyone together and catch someone if he is falling.  Unfortunately, he feels he fell through this safety net (they are still porous after all) one too many times for his own good, even if this was probably not due to malice or ill-will.  Some of you may think that OL should get out more and get more safety nets, instead of just relying on one, though many of you do see this ‘group’ as your primary form of support.  As much as OL is working to broaden his horizons in search of new pillars or safety nets, it seems a pity that he has to do so under such circumstances.

To conclude, I apologize if anyone feels that I’m out of line or if I’ve overstepped my boundaries.  I realize that I’m not as familiar with the ‘group’ as everyone else is.  Everything that has been said here is also from my perspective only – yours may well differ.  However, that perspective was also informed by my conversations with OL, and I am certain that he is disappointed and disheartened with the way things turned out.  So I’ve written all this mostly to help a good friend; but I also hope that knowing how he feels will help you gain some self-awareness that you can use to benefit yourselves.  Do feel free to respond and share your thoughts (as much as a blog will allow).

Best wishes,

Kun Ge

T.U.B Mobile & "Tao"

Hi all,

Guess you should have known that I have started a new venture this month.

It is a mobile phone/tablet/computer/laptop/phone accessories online shop.

The main shop is on Facebook – www.facebook.com/tubmobile

I advertise on Carousell and Gumtree as well. In future, I am considering going on Twitter and instagram.

I do have a partner for this venture and he is none other than our “Tao”.

Despite the limited help I can receive from him, I am still grateful that he did what he had so far (Although I am on the receiving end of some KTs, but I am still hopeful.)

Maybe many will ask/think/doubt/question – Why am I doing this?

Seriously I have been thinking about it for a long time too.

The conclusion I have is I do not want to waste my time away. This is similar in aspect of what Alonso said “There is no need to sleep so much because we know in future we will not be meeting as regular as now.”

In addition, I want to do something eventually I am proud of and something that can generate income and also maybe something that people around me will look up to me too.

At the end of the day, the drive in me to start a successful venture is still burning strong. I no longer can remember when this “drive” started but I do have a feeling this is the LAST TIME.

To me, this is the LAST TRY. If I fail again, I will just TRY to be contented being an 8 to 5 worker.

Talking about my 8 to 5 job, I have a confession to make.

It sucks.  

Job satisfaction only occurs when I reach home and start working on T.U.B Mobile plans.

I never know I can be happy while working, despite the busy lifestyle.

Wedding is another issue I am facing now and it only adds to my busy schedule.

Like I told “Tao”, I feel that I am doing 2 jobs at the same time.

And I like to tell “Tao” and Alonso, I am sorry I back out of the plans we had.

If I am more discipline, we will be earning money now already.

However, I just figure out that it is a zero-sum game. You will never win unless you stop while you are winning.

BUT ALSO I understand why both of you are so in it, cause I was almost dragged in too.

What you crave is the passion behind the sports and the excitement that comes along with it.

In some similar aspect, it is the same as how I feel sometimes about business – the passion, excitement and rewards.

What I hope to achieve in my plans which I think it may not be in our previous plans is sustainability.

To “Tao”, I know what we earn now is negotiable (sometimes we are even making losses) and that a match could let us gain so much faster. But I am looking at the long term (almost risk free) gain. So let’s take a step at a time – You will reap what you sow.

Put in more effort & Less laziness – I believe things will be even better.

Lastly, I just like to thank all, whom replied, like, read, share my T.U.B Mobile facebook.

I hope I can continue to receive support from you.

If you ever need to buy or sell a handphone, tablet, laptop, computer, any phone accessories, hope you can think of me or “Tao”.

Please do not go out to think we are out to earn your money cause we are not.

Our earnings is minimal and your happiness is priority.

Talen(t) on behalf of T.U.B Mobile

Tuesday with Amendi - Life of a new mother

Good morning!!

Recently BbQ began sleeping through the night (8pm to 6am) so I've had some decent sleep and hence this inspired blogpost. Today also marks the first day I travel from my new house to work via the train which is *)@$*)^$*)^@)^(%#^(^&*@#^$ % but anyhow I reached office at 8.15am. Gonna sneak in a post b4 i start work.

Some conversations while I was on maternity leave-

Friend: You don't look like you just gave birth!
Me: Oh I'll take that as a compliment, thanks! It's really not that bad, the trick is not to put on too much weight while pregnant.
Friend: You must be the naturally skinny type.
Me: Well (not really leh), there is really no need to go crazy and overeat while pregnant. Quality over quantity.

And...

Friend: You don't look like you just gave birth!
Me: Oh I'll take that as a compliment, thanks!
Friend: How much weight did you put on?
Me: About 10-11kg.
Friend: Wah your baby must be malnourished.
Me (feeling offended): He was 3.8kg (tyvm)
Friend: Isn't it small?
Friend 2 (to the rescue): No lah! 3.8 is BIG lah!
--Silence--

and many more such conversations along these lines...

My point, well 2 points actually.

Point 1:
Please do not take any hard work away from me, or anyone in good shape for that matter. Genes play a part yes, but I believe and have proven, its really the choices we make everyday that count! These people obviously have not seen me in my fatter days (I'm sure you guys have!). While I was pregnant, I ate as per normal, just more healthy snacks, especially in my third trimester (oats, muesli bars, fruits etc). I exercised as per normal - I cycled for 15-30 min at the gym until my belly grew and made it difficult. I swam 10-12 laps twice a week to stay fit and healthy until my last month of pregnancy. I walked ALOT. I chose to climb the stairs UP instead of taking the lift (it's dangerous to climb the stairs down because my belly blocked my view). Like some other pregnant women, I had my fair share of cravings - longtong 4 days in a row for breakfast, pasta mania meatball spaghetti at 12am etc. Of course if you choose to "eat for two" and go crazy with unhealthy fattening food, don't complain can't lose weight/fat lah! DUH!

Point 2:
I believe pregnancy is a natural process, it's not a medical condition unless of course complications occur. Hence, there is no need to avoid or play too safe. There is no need to shun exercise because people say it's "dangerous", or stay at home all day long to "rest". I believe our bodies together with the hormones will naturally adjust themselves to sort things out. Think, women for centuries have been giving birth unaided everywhere. Back then, they continued manual work like farming and walked alot too!

So to you guys and partners out there who are planning to start a family, hope the above helps! It's not that bad lah!

Long Time Coming

Hi Guys,

It's been a long time since I've written here. I've watched the revival of this place with some interest, and of course it is not lost on me that I am one of the 'missing ones' when it comes to non-attendance at meet-up's. Of course, I still meet up with some of you, like OL and Lulu. Why are things this way? I have my reasons, and in fact, being busy is my least important reason.

I'll like to start off by saying that you guys are the oldest friends I have. I don't keep in contact with too many people in my life, and it's a miracle that we are still in contact (however infrequent our meet-up's). And as for my more regular meet-ups with OL and Lulu, these are not intended as slights to the rest of you. It just very simply boils down to two factors: (1) OL is basically the best friend I have, and he understands me a lot better than anyone else I know. (2) Lulu is also a very old friend, someone who's company I have enjoyed since I met him in 1997. I'm sorry to say that I have not had the opportunity to know the rest of you as well as these two 'old guards', since I joined the group much later.

I guess I am not going to sugarcoat things too. Of late (and this is something I've discussed at length with OL, because he knows you guys closer than I do), I have found myself growing apart from everybody else. Our interests, activities, conversation topics have grown different over the years. And I must admit, there have been times when I have found comments from some of you rather chafing and sometimes, offensive. I don't think it is in anyone's intention at all.

At the heart of it, I feel that many of us have grown fixated with the materialistic aspects of life. Money, job prospects, benefits, etc. There is nothing wrong with trying to improve your lot in life, but it becomes grating when everything becomes a question of money or prospects. It leaves me a bit cold when discussions inevitably turn this way. And its even worse when discussions are basically all centered on these issues.

Then there are the comments related my career choice as well, having chosen the route of the academic. To be very blunt, I have gotten annoyed over the years with all the jokes about me pursuing a PhD. Whenever I mention any work stress I'm facing, the response I get varies from "quit loh" or "tell your Prof to do it himself loh". This is not very empathetic. Perhaps more importantly, I chose this career path not for the money, but because I saw it to be a calling, to teach future generations and also to contribute to our country's policy directions. If you have read all the articles I have published in newspapers and journals over the years, you will find that all I care about is for Singapore to survive amidst some very precarious regional politics. In short, I have found all the teasing and jokes to be rather insensitive, and it devalues the passion and reasons behind my choice of career. It could just be me, but there is the sense that sometimes the jokes and di-siaoing take on the persona of a thinly-veiled personal attack.

And of course, I do sometimes find the whole lap-sap discourse very offensive. Many instances of this. For example, when I mention going to HK with my dad, there're the jokes about going to lapsap bars and such. My dad is a strict Confucianist, and I am a Liberal of the old school (JS Mill anyone?) I find it offensive because it goes against my Confucian upbringing, and my personal beliefs on the subjection of women. Also, I remember being at Awfully Chocolate, and some of us causing a bit of a ruckus and embarrassment with the waitress, bringing up a lot of lapsap terms. This leaves me cold again, because I feel that this is not who I am. When I interact with my colleages and friends, whether from grad school or the research centres where I am attached to, I become a different person. And this different person feels more comfortable to me. It brings on so much internal confusion, which I don't want to deal with. Because I am afraid that when push comes to shove, I will decide who I want to be and then there will be difficult choices to make.

Of course, not all is bad. There have been good moments. OL has given me a lot of support and he has always been a good sounding board for me to bounce my publication ideas off. Ah Du has also given me support and motivation in his own way, having himself understood the value of hard work. And of course, there have been good times of di-siaoing. There have been many happy moments I've shared with you guys. Which is why I'm here, writing this. Because I don't want us to give all this up, but I don't want to compromise on my personal beliefs too. These are things I've acquired through sweat and tears over the years. OL understands this perhaps, but I have changed a lot over the years, and I have slogged my ass off for these changes, whether in terms of intellectual development, confidence in myself, physical achievements, etc. And I believe this growing up, as it is, is a process all of us has to go through. Also, there has to be more engagement and empathy with each other.

Lastly of course, I have been extremely busy, with work and with publications. Most of the things I do require intensive field research followed by solitary writing. This life I've chosen has not been easy at all, but it has been rewarding. There may be one thing I have never told you guys. I grew up wanting to be a writer. I told this to Miss Thoo during Oral exam in Sec 1, to my Primary 6 teacher who taught me my basic writing skills (I still contact her), and I told this to myself everyday. And hence the reason for my distance and disappearance. I have found a publisher, and I am writing my first book. This may take a year, 2 years, or 5 years. Who knows? And this is on top of my regular writings for newspapers and my doctoral thesis (which thankfully, should be done by this year's end).

So please accept my apologies for going off the radar, because it is so important that I get this done. And please also accept my apologies for all the harsh words I have said here. There are issues that have made me deeply unhappy over the years, and I guess it's probably much better that I let it out, rather than just disappearing for good, as I have done with other friends whom I no longer get along with. And of course, perhaps I have changed a lot over the past few years. I hope that you all will still be interested in knowing this changed version of me.

Your friend,
AH

Thoughts

I'm going through a busy, slightly rough time of wedding planning, renovation, and making enough money to support my upcoming family. I'm appreciative of the ready responses of help and advice whenever I seek them and that means a lot, knowing that there is a bunch of friends ready to give their support in times of need.

Due to the the disparity in working hours and sometimes unstable schedule due to tuition and running errands, it is sometimes hard for me to meet up for gatherings but whenever I'm free, I will make it a point to ask if there were any plans or I will suggest plans. I'm disappointed to find that most of the time, there will be no or limited replies and then find out later that there were plans after all of which I'm not aware of. I'm perfectly fine with not being invited but maybe it will be nice to inform that there were already plans.

Well. That's all. Remember to keep 23/11/2013 free!

We are Superman!

Hi all,

Its amazing how time have passed and almost all of us are reaching the big 30 soon.

Reading some of the previous posts I did, I guess I have really grown up A LOT (esp since I am 24 years old...).

I like to list down some amazing feats Laosipkong (this blog) has achieved over these years since 2006:

1. We had 7616 pageviews .
2. We had 283 posts.
3. Typing "Laosipkong" in Google Search - the results are mainly our blog and posts!
4. During my uni days, my SMU schoolmate, who knew none of you, was also reading the blog. Amazing!
5. On 5 Aug 2013, we had 103 pageviews - Apparently everyone is more interested in "Da Por Kia Ji Ku Wei" post than "A Revival 7 Years too Long" post (which gathered 85 pageviews since it was first posted). 

Loosely translated - "Da Por Kia Ji Ku Wei" is "As a man, I will keep my word"

Anyway, as the blogs grows since 2006, I kinda realise how our bond within the clique weakens. Is this blog our kryptonite?

I do understand I am one of the culprit and I do understand some things/changes are unavoidable.

Goals and priorities changes as we grow up, start family, work and become successful. No longer are we really able to be like how we used to be - Tisiao till the morning wee hours.

But I do say I am glad that when "activated" we will still come together - Just like Superman.

As a member of the clique, the next big BIG BIG event is Teh's wedding - I am sure all of us will gather then again and have fun.

I still look forward till the day when we bring our children out together and our children become embarrassed of our behaviors. Haha...

Hi Alonso

Thanks for keeping this blog alive. I have added the sharing buttons that your requested.

At least the skills I learnt from creating my blogshop has not gone to waste!

Regards,
Blackburn

A Revival 7 Years too long

When I started this blog on 29 June 2006, 7 years ago, I expected it to be a lively, happening platform where there will be weekly updates, where ppl share their views, grievances, happiness, sorrows etc.

7 yrs on, I am still the one trying to keep this going, with the first entry since more than a year ago.

Yes, I’m bloody disappointed.

But I’m also bloody glad I started it. If not, some of the memories will forever be erased and never documented.

In the spirit of why I started this in the first place, I will air all my opinions, controversial or not, to garner more comments, entries etc.

Disclaimer first, the opinions I state is purely mine alone, and they are by no means correct. No one is. I am merely voicing my thoughts, imperfect or otherwise. Positive/negative comments are more welcome, you know by now I can take both the good and bad, no worries at all.

In about 5 months, I will be 30 yrs old. Most of us will be. I will skip the grow old recital for the next entry. If you read my very first blog entry again, you will realise I kept emphasising that meetups will be few and far between. 

7 years on, I did not expect it to be so few and so far between.

To address my stand on meetups again, I really hate going town on weekends unless super necessary. Supper on weekends I steady. Jio me for dinner, movie or supper any weekday and I am more than happy to join if I’m free. Again, I stress that having to work the next day is totally not an issue for me. What is an issue for me is letting this golden period of life pass me by and realise when I’m 50 that I should have met up more with my friends instead of going home straight after work because ‘I have to work the next day’. That, to me, is a total failure on multiple levels. Living for weekends is such indignance, I can’t even use words to adequately express this. 

Yes, I totally agree that everyone has their own set of priorities in life. However, choosing sleep over meetups is still something I am painfully trying to learn to accept with little success (I don’t think I ever will in this lifetime).  I don’t know bout you guys, but I look forward to every supper, H2H, dinner, lah liang sessions after soccer because I know that that is when I will have the most laughter and tisiao moments that week. That is the best stress-reliever one can ever wish for. In my opinion, that is the essence of GMH. No one can ever replicate that, even if they try. That is what makes us special. Sadly, such moments have been fewer with time, and attendance has been poor for reasons I shudder to even think about.

Back to choosing to live rather than get sucked into senseless rat race.

On a personal level, the moment I realised this during my army days, I promised myself to keep to this mantra. Nearly 8 yrs on, I’m damn glad I made the choices I made.

Since I made that decision, the people I met, the places I’ve been to, the experiences I had, the memories will stick with me till my dying days. I’m darn certain had I chosen the ‘safe’ option, none of these things will have happened.

Hence, you heard it first (exclusive to GMH members), next year you can expect something major happening in my life again. I have experienced the corporate life for more than 2 years now, it is exactly what I envisioned. You work hard, you get promoted, you get a pay raise, then what? I’m beginning to slip into a comfort zone, and that, to be brutally honest, is damn bloody scary. It is a recipe for death by monotony, which to me, equates to physical death.

When I started out, I set myself a challenge and am proud to announce that I have achieved what I expected myself to accomplish, and more. Absolutely zero regrets, even with the mistakes I made along the way.

On a side note, I have always enjoyed weddings. When Amanda got married I was elated for her. Now, she is a proud mum! Many weddings are going to take place next year, I am really looking forward to them. I consider it pure bliss for 2 people to find each other, fall in love, and make a vow to spend the rest of their lives together. It is always an emotional moment for me to see the photo montage at the beginning and know that I helped shaped the person who is on stage, however small role I might have played in his life. Hence, I promise I will attend all your weddings. It is something I will not miss for the world.

In conclusion, I have much more things to write about which can easily surpass 100 pages, but I don’t want to pour out my soul on this first entry after so long. I sincerely hope many of you will post stuff as well. This entry is merely meant to be a test to gauge the level of response. When it picks up, I will talk about deeper stuff.

Meantime, I await your responses while we mull over one of my favourite life quotes of all time from The Dalai Lama.

You’ll Never Walk Alone,

Alonso

(I’m going to donate blood again soon, will call u guys along. Steady.)