Dearest Kunge,
Thanks a million for the heartfelt post.
Again, this is what the blog is for, and im very glad that it is finally
serving its purpose, relaying thoughts that sometimes face to face meetups wont
be able to achieve.
What I am about to reply again is merely my
personal thoughts, and it is not meant to hurt anyone. It is just my raw,
honest thoughts and I apologize in advance if I am going to offend.
My main gripe, like I mentioned to you
kunge, like I told the rest of the guys, is lumping everyone as a group.
Granted, some have unique kts, some share similar kts, some have more than
others. Again, with reference to my reply to AH in my previous post, a simple personal
message via sms or watsapp to the INDIVIDUAL kt kia will do the job. Simple,
fast and effective. EG. “Hey I think you crossed the line just now”. That will
hit the individual hard enough to think about what he or she did.
First of all, have you guys ever tried
this? And so, let me know if you have tried this in our group and that person
totally ignored your message. I honestly do not think ANYONE in the group will totally
ignore such a message. PLEASE let me know if I am wrong.
If you tell me that every single one of the
group has the exact same kt, then yes, I whole-heartedly agree it calls for a ‘group
ban’. It is only natural that you want to avoid a group that shares a same kt. NOT
when 2 out of 6 has that kt, leaving the other 4 wondering what on earth he or
she did to deserve such a ‘ban’.
I reiterate my stand on GMH dynamics. We
stand unique as a tisiao clique. Regardless of age, this is a trait that will
NEVER leave GMH. I bet my life on it. We will tisiao until the day we die.
That, I’m bloody sure of. No one can ever take that away from GMH. Take that
away, then we lose the soul of GMH. If you want to let your hair down after a
screwed up week, not think about shit life throws at you, and laugh like we
were still in sec school without a care, then GMH is a place I seek solace.
Because I know everytime we get together, there is no other group who can make
me feel so at ease. I am sure most will agree with me.
THERE ARE A MILLION CLIQUES OUT THERE WHO
GET TOGETHER, BITCH BOUT LIFE, TALK ALL SERIOUS STUFF, BUT NONE LIKE GMH WHO
CAN REACH THE LEVELS OF TISIAO-NESS.
Back to the topic of sweeping things under
the carpet. I admit I am one of them who do not like to talk about issues in a
large group. Let me set the record straight on this. Based on the past issues
that was brought up based on my memory. 3 were brought up. Out of the 3, EVERY
SINGLE one of the KT kias already KNEW BEFOREHAND that they had this kt. They
chose not to either ignore it or chose not to change.
It is one thing to bring up an issue that a
kt kia is totally unaware of, and it is a totally different issue to bring up
an issue that a kt kis is ALREADY aware of, but choose not to do anything about
it. Hence, by bringing up an issue which all parties are already aware of in a
large group serves what purpose?
Again, we are nearly 30. If it takes a
showdown involving the whole world for a kt kia to realise his kt, then I’m
truly sorry, you have major issues in your life you need to fix asap. No one
can help you. (That is a topic for another day)
Granted, you may argue that it serves as a
wakeup call to the kt kias, but let’s be honest, after the last showdown, what
changed?
I am not saying to totally avoid the
conflict. I am saying to tackle the problem on a personal basis and not in a
large group. For eg. “ Alvin just now you made fun of my gf, she is hurt. Please
don’t do it again’. Short, simple, straight to the point. I will be mindful of
what I say and all parties benefit. Not convene the entire group and let
someone sit through without knowing what was going on. And the other 6 looking
at that person, making him feel victimised.
I totally appreciate OL’s initiative to
improve the group by organising such meetups. In fact, many of us do. While I agree
with the objective and purpose, I do no agree with the execution. IMO, large
group showdowns are not effective. It makes ppl feel victimised. I always
favour the small groups. Hence, I met up with Amendi and Ah du the last time. I
am sure I got more out of that meeting than the large group showdown he had
with you guys.
I do not turn up not because I don’t care.
I do not turn up because I honestly think it does not serve the purpose of
rectifying the issue. And to be honest, I feel sometimes it makes matters
worse. Ask all involved and you will find out that I had a word with the respective
kt kias on a personal level in a small group.
I firmly believe a kt kia will find out the
consequences of ignoring his own actions the hard way. Life has a funny way of
slapping you in the face when you least expect it. And you know what, I think
that deep down, we all know kts will bring consequences. So if you choose to
ignore it, then don’t cry when consequence hits. That is something all 29 years
olds should know.
I am also a kt kia myself. God reminds me
on a daily basis that I have to fix my thoughts, actions and words. I
constantly remind myself to not revert to the old kt days. That is my way of
fixing my kt, I know that if I don’t, Life will smack me. Thank God, so far so
good, even though sometimes it is a struggle, I gotta admit. I will appreciate
reminders if I ever crossed the line.
Everyone knows OL’s intentions are good. No
one has ever doubted that. And Kunge may I know where did u get info about this
‘bad guy reputation’? And who in the world shot the messenger? I really need
clarification on this. I know of NO ONE who has attached blame or negative
feelings towards OL by ‘being the bad guy’. (Kunge please reply on this point
and give me specific names, not lame answers like ‘it does not matter who, etc’)
I do not like phantom answers like ‘someone said it, but I can’t remember who. Or
someone in the group said it a long time ago’. (By the way we are still looking
for the Phantom kt kia who AH mentioned made jokes about his profession).
Again, send a personal message to the KT
kia saying he has crossed the line. Simple. Short. Sweet. End of Story.
If he does it again, I am the first person
who will support the banning of such an individual who despite being told he
was out of line, still blatantly ignores it and continues.
OL speaks his mind, everyone knows that. Sometimes
it is blunt, sometimes it offends, sometimes it does good. That is his
character. No one has ever alienated him because of that. If not, we would not
have had close to wat, 16 years of friendship? He is still very much part of
GMH. Nothing will ever change that.
To summarize, go to GMH if you wanna
tisiao. That is our main USP. If you want a serious H2H, we are more than open
to it. I had multiple H2h with members when the situation calls for it, be it
work, BGR, life etc. When you want emotional support, then I gotta admit GMH is
not a place to look for. You might want to search elsewhere.
I have NEVER in my life rejected a heart to
heart talk. I feel it is the primary basis of being a friend. Being there 24/7
on standby, being activated at anytime to lend a listening ear. Many years
back, I know how it feels to have no one to turn to in the middle of the night
when I was emo. I have learnt to accept that it is not possible to get anyone in
GMH out after 12 on a wkday (maybe if I’m lucky Mandy or KZ). It sucks. But I
have learnt to accept this and am blessed to have others who I can turn to
should such a situation arise. It is a pity that I cant find it in GMH, but
that is life.
Some say I am too private and secretive.
Let me also set the record straight. The fault lies entirely with me. There are
probably 2 ppl in this world whom I know truly knows me. The reason why I do
not share certain things is because you will not understand. I do not mean it
in a demeaning way. Just like I will never understand certain things about your
life. I used to feel angsty about it, until I realised we are all brought up
differently and made differently. I will be brutally honest, should I truly
communicate my innermost thoughts, I will probably lose some of you as friends.
I would sincerely rather not risk that and prefer to keep my friends. Let me
handle my own issues and don’t worry about not being about to ‘connect’ with
me. I have navigated my way around life thus far, and I do have outlets whom I connect
with on a deep level.
To conclude, I cherish every single one of
you as a friend. It is indeed a blessing that fate has brought us together. To
know that we are all entering a new chapter in our lives when we hit 30. It is
exciting to note that some will get married, have children etc. Yet GMH still
lives strong and will tisiao till the end of time. It is indeed heartening to
look forward to what the future brings. And I can’t wait.
Best Regards,
Alonso
4 comments:
Alvin, very glad to see your response here. I too have been thinking about this, having spoken to various individuals on this issue over the weekend.
What has struck me about GMH is that nothing has changed over the years. This is good and bad. Certainly, its good that we can get together and tisiao as we always have, and have a good time, take our minds off the more mundane aspects of life, etc. But there's the negative aspect of not moving, which OL and I have talked about frequently. It's the fact that some of us have grown personally and intellectually in new directions. This often means a new-found predilection for different ways of solving problems. Take me and OL for instance, we have both received training in political science, which is often contentious and argumentative. Put simply, we hate having stuff swept under the carpet and instead prefer that everybody sit down town-hall style and speak their mind, free from judgement of any form.
Although the Asian in me understands the desire for one-on-one intimacy and behind-closed-doors non-confrontation styled methods, I've come to believe that it is always more healthy for any group to behave as a group rather than a collection of disparate individuals with their own separate viewpoints and interests. This is why we put kids in playgroups, it fosters social understanding and EQ.
Psycho has mentioned to me that he has learnt a lot from the last session, and he's put a lot of effort at improving things. Kudos to him. He's shown what it means to be an engaged adult.
OL has mentioned to me many times (believe me, we've talked about this for years now), that the group is increasingly becoming more of a collection of self-interested individuals. I think this is because the tisiao allows us to conveniently avoid difficult issues and not talk about these openly.
I've seen groups talk about all kinds of issues, not just 'serious stuff' like getting married or jobs, but also issues pertaining interpersonal relationships. In fact, most of my American friends from graduate school behave like that. They put together what they call an 'intervention' whenever they think somebody is doing something wrong or is potentially getting into trouble. I think this is something we can learn from them. Don't think of it as naming and shaming, but think of it as an intervention, with the intention being the greater interest of everyone, not just the individual. I think if this can be done, if people can give up their inhibitions, their fear of shame and losing 'face', or even their avoidance of conflict, then OL will be proven wrong about the structural problems he sees in GMH.
And it is a structural problem that he perceives, not just a problem with one KT kia, two KT kia or even 5 or 6 KT kia's. Its the whole structural foundations of GMH that he sees as flawed. We political scientists call this an institutional problem, one that requires changes to the underlying normative and belief structure of any social collective.
AH
Hi Alvin,
Thanks for your emphatic response. I respect your individualized approach to things, and can see its merits, but as Ang Heng explained, this is a structural issue involving the prevailing ‘mentality’ of the group. As such, the group should be addressed as a whole. In any case, the two approaches are not necessarily mutually exclusive. On the whole I think Ang Heng has laid things out pretty clearly.
Regarding OL’s perceived ‘bad guy reputation’, I believe in my post I mentioned that it was something that OL felt he had picked up over the years, i.e. it was from his own overall sense of things only. Of course there is no way to be absolutely sure, unless people come out and explicitly say so (but what are the chances of that happening?). If OL truly was mistaken, then great. But I trust OL’s intuition and perspicaciousness enough to believe that if he felt that people (especially those he has known for so long) believed certain things of him, there’s a decent enough chance that they did. Even if people do not explicitly say such things or even explicitly think such things, that does not mean that such things are not lurking in the backs of their minds. Ultimately, however, this point is based on OL’s feelings only.
As for the ‘Phantom kt kia’, I think it’s Ang Heng’s call whether or not to open up more about that. Hope this helps clarify some things.
Kun Ge
I have quite a lot I wanna say but at the end of the day... is this just too individualistic?
I agreed that everyone of us are not growing at the same rate and many of us has lagged behind some of you.
Getting people to change is not an easy thing. But have you thought if the person want to change?
For me, I have told many of you that I prioritize what is required of me now. At times, I feel that la liang is a freaking waste of time. At times, I feel that I need the la liang time to relax abit...
Maybe GMH to me is an outlet for me to relax.
But I have said this very long time ago and I like to emphasize.
A friend is a friend not matter where he is at or what has he done.
Its true sometimes I really cannot understand why Psycho said some stuff or even why Mendi is wasting his time like this.
But I growth to accept it and I guess that's our clique right? We are all different and we bond due to a certain factor - Tisiao can be it, soccer can be it...
Furthermore, if the someone is making me uncomfortable, I will just live with it if he is in that group. Isn't that how people should live?
And like I told Alvin, Lulu and Mendi... I am curious of how kumar is doing now or even Kz or even AH (Glad I saw him during Teh's Discussion). But I am not someone that will ask you out personally if I do not know if you are even comfortable talking about it.
I believe you will talk when you want to. We are no longer children.. when people want you to hear them, they will talk.
At the end of the day, I can understand where Kumar, AH, Kunge is coming from because I DO FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES.
But don't you think they know it too?
Hm... lastly may I ask If you hope someone can change, or you feel something should change, or you feel something is wrong, shouldn't you continue to stay in the group to try to change it to a way you deem that is definitely better than the current situation?
At the end of the day, discussion among your own cliques will not do any do right? It will at the end of the day be a discussion or a la liang session.
Lastly like to say sorry if I offend anyone. Just my chain of thoughts.
Haha...
Blackburn
Realise I have so many grammar and spelling mistake.. ops
Blackburn
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